The soothing light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train coming your way!!!

Here we are at the end of the school term, and I am not too sure if I will go on with the blog or not, it was used to rant and vent over different things.  But it was good for me.  The last few weeks of the term were difficult for me because I was trying to be an EMT working for an ambulance service and trying to be a student.  I considered dropping out of school, but was told, and the exact words she used were "HELL NO!" and yes it was in all caps  =)  Im not gonna drop out, I was just frustrated.  But now I am at the end of the frustration for a week, but I am not too sure if I will continue with the ambulance service I am with or if I am going to move on to another one.  Granted I am in the process of planning to move, so I need to wait.  Later All!!!

TBK!!

Smoking Electronic Cigs and drinking near-beer!!

You gotta frigging love cars...Last week a belt, this week the transmission.  I go to get a new car at JD Byrider...and these guys will finance anyone....anyone but me!  HAHA, I warned them I had below bad credit :) But I'm not sweating it, what I am sweating is that I lost a day of work over this frigging car.  But off of that, I had an amazing weekend with my girl!  I cannot wait to go see her again, and I cannot wait until I start moving. I'm so excited about it!! I am so happy that we finally got it right!

Boy I look at Hot Mess!!

I have made it through the first 2 weeks of my job and I frigging love it!!  Granted, with a private ambulance company, you do mostly transports to and from hospitals and nursing homes, but still, it is what I am trained to do.  And, things have a way of working out, no only do I have my dream job, the love of my life came back.  We have been talking and working on things and we have the common goal.  Together,  Granted, there is a lot of work to be done and there are still things that need to be worked out, but I think that we can do it.


Never Do Anything You Wouldn't Want To Explain To The EMTs On The Ambulance!!

Thank God that is over with for now....

Well, yet another Christmas has come and gone, and thank god for that.  This year didn't suck as bad as I thought it would, but it still sucked none the less, and no, I have not ended up under the Yoda Blanket yet, but there are still 5 more days left in the year...I keep picking up on little things, like maybe I will get a late Christmas gift and get what I wanted back, but time will tell.  On the brighter side, I got the job I wanted, and I start on the 3rd of January!  I am finally going to get to be a full time EMT.  I was interviewed at 4:30pm on 12/23 and at 4:35pm, I had been hired. Granted itis a pay cut, but it is the job I want. 

Dreams, Illusions, and Reality....

Dreams, those things our brain does to us as we are sleeping, a place where we are anything and everything
Illusions, Trickery...something that we think we saw, that our brain processes that we saw and we never really saw it because what we thought it was isn't what it is.
Reality...Reality sucks!!!! It has been a month since we split  up, and in that time, I have attempted to reinvent myself, granted, it is only a haircut and a new piercing, but I am still working on attitude modification.  I fake happy really well, at least I think so anyway. Some days I am ready to give up, others I flat refuse to give up. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed.  How do you tell someone that you love them more than anything on this earth?  When they don't want to and refuse to hear it from you? Say it? Text it? Post it? or just keep it and hope they see it?  I feel like everything is spinning out of control.  I'm not even getting excited about Christmas and New Years, this could be because we spent them together.  For example, if we were still together, I would be packed and ready to leave here Christmas night and be with her until the 28th. I would come back, work 2 days and leave after work on the 30th to be there for New Years.  Now, I am going to be laying bed hiding under my Star wars Yoda blanket (go ahead, laugh cause I have a stuffed Darth Vader with a santa hat from Books A Million too) crying my eyes out because where I want to be I cannot be.  New Years, I will go out and get boldly trashed and cry myself to sleep...some times I hate what I did in the past....

Stop Trying To Control Every Thing and Just Let Go.....

Some days I wonder why I ever get out of bed...I feel like I now have no one to turn too.  Since my girl left me, I feel like I have gone down hill, cannot think or focus on anything.  I used to get so excited about class, and have my homework done by midnight Saturday night, now I am to the point that I can care less, I have no motivation.  I feel like I am standing in the middle of a room full of people and screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even notices that I exist.  To add insult to injury, I feel like I have been hit with a brick physically as well as the mental feeling of being hit with a brick.  I'm scared to death to go to the doctor because of what they could say and the cost of everything.  Some days, I ask myself if it is worth it, I still haven't made up my mind if it is or not, but I keep going because of my brothers 2 girls.  They are the light at the end of my tunnel.  I know that when I graduate, I will be setting an example to them...please god heaven or hell, just let something begin...

Take a Xanax and call me when you calm down...

My life is far from perfect and I accept this, but I an really over being kicked when I am down.!  At 34 years old I went back to school to try to make my life better, and at first people were all good with that, but now, they are acting like my being in school is harder on them then it is on me.  I get up at 5am to do what I need to do around the house, go to work and work 12 to 16 hours a day.  Come home and attempt to work on my school work and I get bothered at every turn.  But enough of that.  I did have a good week last week, I went to see a friend that always puts a smile on my face and managed to get my National EMT certification...not if only the paper work would get here.  But back to going to see Nessa, I love her and she is so sweet, but she can be a little out there.  She got in to this Tony Robbins type positive thinking thing, and she is trying to drag me in to it.  Not gonna happen, I am a generally positive person, unless I am having one of my  "I hate the universe" days, so I don't 5 days of someone telling me what I can do, add to that a full time job and classes and an EMT position...Ya, the Knight does not have the time...ok, I have vented and feel better...Ta!