Thank God that is over with for now....

Well, yet another Christmas has come and gone, and thank god for that.  This year didn't suck as bad as I thought it would, but it still sucked none the less, and no, I have not ended up under the Yoda Blanket yet, but there are still 5 more days left in the year...I keep picking up on little things, like maybe I will get a late Christmas gift and get what I wanted back, but time will tell.  On the brighter side, I got the job I wanted, and I start on the 3rd of January!  I am finally going to get to be a full time EMT.  I was interviewed at 4:30pm on 12/23 and at 4:35pm, I had been hired. Granted itis a pay cut, but it is the job I want. 

Dreams, Illusions, and Reality....

Dreams, those things our brain does to us as we are sleeping, a place where we are anything and everything
Illusions, Trickery...something that we think we saw, that our brain processes that we saw and we never really saw it because what we thought it was isn't what it is.
Reality...Reality sucks!!!! It has been a month since we split  up, and in that time, I have attempted to reinvent myself, granted, it is only a haircut and a new piercing, but I am still working on attitude modification.  I fake happy really well, at least I think so anyway. Some days I am ready to give up, others I flat refuse to give up. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed.  How do you tell someone that you love them more than anything on this earth?  When they don't want to and refuse to hear it from you? Say it? Text it? Post it? or just keep it and hope they see it?  I feel like everything is spinning out of control.  I'm not even getting excited about Christmas and New Years, this could be because we spent them together.  For example, if we were still together, I would be packed and ready to leave here Christmas night and be with her until the 28th. I would come back, work 2 days and leave after work on the 30th to be there for New Years.  Now, I am going to be laying bed hiding under my Star wars Yoda blanket (go ahead, laugh cause I have a stuffed Darth Vader with a santa hat from Books A Million too) crying my eyes out because where I want to be I cannot be.  New Years, I will go out and get boldly trashed and cry myself to sleep...some times I hate what I did in the past....

Stop Trying To Control Every Thing and Just Let Go.....

Some days I wonder why I ever get out of bed...I feel like I now have no one to turn too.  Since my girl left me, I feel like I have gone down hill, cannot think or focus on anything.  I used to get so excited about class, and have my homework done by midnight Saturday night, now I am to the point that I can care less, I have no motivation.  I feel like I am standing in the middle of a room full of people and screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even notices that I exist.  To add insult to injury, I feel like I have been hit with a brick physically as well as the mental feeling of being hit with a brick.  I'm scared to death to go to the doctor because of what they could say and the cost of everything.  Some days, I ask myself if it is worth it, I still haven't made up my mind if it is or not, but I keep going because of my brothers 2 girls.  They are the light at the end of my tunnel.  I know that when I graduate, I will be setting an example to them...please god heaven or hell, just let something begin...

Take a Xanax and call me when you calm down...

My life is far from perfect and I accept this, but I an really over being kicked when I am down.!  At 34 years old I went back to school to try to make my life better, and at first people were all good with that, but now, they are acting like my being in school is harder on them then it is on me.  I get up at 5am to do what I need to do around the house, go to work and work 12 to 16 hours a day.  Come home and attempt to work on my school work and I get bothered at every turn.  But enough of that.  I did have a good week last week, I went to see a friend that always puts a smile on my face and managed to get my National EMT certification...not if only the paper work would get here.  But back to going to see Nessa, I love her and she is so sweet, but she can be a little out there.  She got in to this Tony Robbins type positive thinking thing, and she is trying to drag me in to it.  Not gonna happen, I am a generally positive person, unless I am having one of my  "I hate the universe" days, so I don't 5 days of someone telling me what I can do, add to that a full time job and classes and an EMT position...Ya, the Knight does not have the time...ok, I have vented and feel better...Ta!

Just when you thought things were good, Life throws a Curve Ball!

Ok, so maybe my life does not suck all that bad, I am working on my education, I became and EMT, I have a good job, but my ex...Grrr...That is a totally different story....I will stand up and say, Ya it was my fault, I will take that blame, but was all the screaming and hateful venom and the ignoring really needed? Ummm, Nope.  We agreed to be friends, I shoot a hi how ya doin text and what do I get in return? NADA! Oh well, like it has happened in the past, people will walk all over her, and where will she go? You guessed it, right back to me.  Cause I have not done her dirty like all of her so-called friends.

Priceless...

I was watching the babies last night, and I love my nieces with all my heart, but some of the things they do just crack me up.  Sis is attached to my girlfriend, I have no idea why, sis has only met her once in her entire life and that was when she was a year old, and to this day, sis knows her voice, her name and her picture.  Itty Bitty has never met my girlfriend and she is attached to her.  As soon as I hit the door last night, sis started, "Call my Kei Kei, call my Kei Kei."  So I text Kris (my gf) to find out if she is at work or not, then we call.  Sissy fills Kris in on her sucker, her hair cut and what Scooby Doo is currently doing on the TV.  Itty Bitty just smiles at the phone.  We get off the phone and go back to cartoons and playing with the dogs and laying on the couch.  Roughly an hour later, Itty Bitty starts carrying on a conversation with my cell phone, saying, "Kei Kei Kei, Love you.  Kei Kei Kei, love you."  The best part about it, Kris was not on the phone, no one was on the phone.  Ahhh, I love my girls.    I never thought, in all my life, that I would love anyone as much as I love them.  I fell head over heals with Sissy from the very second I held her shortly after she was born.  I'll never forget it, she was looking at me and I was looking at her and she just reached out with her little hand and grabbed my little finger as if to say "Aunt Angie, I'm here now and I love you."  Same with Itty Bitty, from the second I saw her, I was head over heals again, and she reached out with her little hand and grabbed my thumb, and just looked up at me.  Then she fell asleep, like she knew she was safe and nothing could touch her.  I will admit it, I may be a hard a$$, but when it comes to my girls, the babies and Kris, I just melt.  I am so protective over all 3 of them, if someone looks too long and I feel they are a threat, I go on full alert, watching every move.  Not too sure what I would do if someone ever hurt one of the 3 of them, but I am pretty sure that it would not be a pretty sight and every piece of Emergency Gear in Anderson would be dispatched to the location. 

Do I look stupid??

Ok, so I tend to rant and rave, but hello!!  I'm human.  Like the team meeting at work the other day, "If you do not have a degree or certification, do not do it." Ok, I can live with that, however....I am AED/CPR/First Aid certified, it came with my EMT certification and they tell me I cannot do what I am trained to do in the event of an emergency.  They have to have the certification on file, well, cupcake, it is on file in my file in HR, so COPE! But I am still not allowed to put a band-aid on someone for a cut or scrape.  I cannot wait to see what my limitations are once they have my State license on file.  Oh wait, I don't plan on being there much longer after that.  But I never stated that in the meeting, all I said was, "If I am supposed to risk my license because of policy then shortly after I receive it I a distant memory."  Oh well, ask me if I care, cause I don't!  Ok, I feel better...Have a nice whatever!