Thank God that is over with for now....

Well, yet another Christmas has come and gone, and thank god for that.  This year didn't suck as bad as I thought it would, but it still sucked none the less, and no, I have not ended up under the Yoda Blanket yet, but there are still 5 more days left in the year...I keep picking up on little things, like maybe I will get a late Christmas gift and get what I wanted back, but time will tell.  On the brighter side, I got the job I wanted, and I start on the 3rd of January!  I am finally going to get to be a full time EMT.  I was interviewed at 4:30pm on 12/23 and at 4:35pm, I had been hired. Granted itis a pay cut, but it is the job I want. 

Dreams, Illusions, and Reality....

Dreams, those things our brain does to us as we are sleeping, a place where we are anything and everything
Illusions, Trickery...something that we think we saw, that our brain processes that we saw and we never really saw it because what we thought it was isn't what it is.
Reality...Reality sucks!!!! It has been a month since we split  up, and in that time, I have attempted to reinvent myself, granted, it is only a haircut and a new piercing, but I am still working on attitude modification.  I fake happy really well, at least I think so anyway. Some days I am ready to give up, others I flat refuse to give up. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed.  How do you tell someone that you love them more than anything on this earth?  When they don't want to and refuse to hear it from you? Say it? Text it? Post it? or just keep it and hope they see it?  I feel like everything is spinning out of control.  I'm not even getting excited about Christmas and New Years, this could be because we spent them together.  For example, if we were still together, I would be packed and ready to leave here Christmas night and be with her until the 28th. I would come back, work 2 days and leave after work on the 30th to be there for New Years.  Now, I am going to be laying bed hiding under my Star wars Yoda blanket (go ahead, laugh cause I have a stuffed Darth Vader with a santa hat from Books A Million too) crying my eyes out because where I want to be I cannot be.  New Years, I will go out and get boldly trashed and cry myself to sleep...some times I hate what I did in the past....

Stop Trying To Control Every Thing and Just Let Go.....

Some days I wonder why I ever get out of bed...I feel like I now have no one to turn too.  Since my girl left me, I feel like I have gone down hill, cannot think or focus on anything.  I used to get so excited about class, and have my homework done by midnight Saturday night, now I am to the point that I can care less, I have no motivation.  I feel like I am standing in the middle of a room full of people and screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even notices that I exist.  To add insult to injury, I feel like I have been hit with a brick physically as well as the mental feeling of being hit with a brick.  I'm scared to death to go to the doctor because of what they could say and the cost of everything.  Some days, I ask myself if it is worth it, I still haven't made up my mind if it is or not, but I keep going because of my brothers 2 girls.  They are the light at the end of my tunnel.  I know that when I graduate, I will be setting an example to them...please god heaven or hell, just let something begin...

Take a Xanax and call me when you calm down...

My life is far from perfect and I accept this, but I an really over being kicked when I am down.!  At 34 years old I went back to school to try to make my life better, and at first people were all good with that, but now, they are acting like my being in school is harder on them then it is on me.  I get up at 5am to do what I need to do around the house, go to work and work 12 to 16 hours a day.  Come home and attempt to work on my school work and I get bothered at every turn.  But enough of that.  I did have a good week last week, I went to see a friend that always puts a smile on my face and managed to get my National EMT certification...not if only the paper work would get here.  But back to going to see Nessa, I love her and she is so sweet, but she can be a little out there.  She got in to this Tony Robbins type positive thinking thing, and she is trying to drag me in to it.  Not gonna happen, I am a generally positive person, unless I am having one of my  "I hate the universe" days, so I don't 5 days of someone telling me what I can do, add to that a full time job and classes and an EMT position...Ya, the Knight does not have the time...ok, I have vented and feel better...Ta!